How to deal with co-workers with more faces than Big Ben
More than 20 years ago I sat in a head of human resources office and listened to his phone conversation. I was intrigued as this senior manager said: "He's got more faces than Big Ben. You just can't trust him."
Intrigued, I tried to figure out what it meant. My first thought was, "Big Ben tells the time. What's wrong with that?" Then I got it. Big Ben has four clock faces ... so the person he was talking about was worse than two-faced. He was four-faced!
The phrase has stuck with me all these years. The further into my career I get, the more I understand the importance of addressing issues upfront rather than whispering behind people's backs while being nice to their faces. We are most inclined to be two-faced to those who are hard to work with, whom we have disagreed with or even those who have criticized us behind our own backs.
What to do? ... Café diplomacy
Instead of politicking, sit down with people you have issues with and explain how you feel, ideally over a cup of coffee, and hopefully offsite.
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Don't open with, "You are the worst type of person I have ever encountered.” Instead, explain why you want to talk and how an interaction "made you feel" and how you interpreted it. This may seem like a weak start, but it gives the other person a chance to correct something you may have misinterpreted (and that is frequently the core problem). It also makes it less confrontational. Once you've said your piece, listen! You will find that 95% of the time you talk openly you will both solve the problem while building a stronger relationship. I remember after one "cafe diplomacy" session saying that it was only because I valued them that we had had the conversation. This only strengthened our relationship, and we later traded coffee for regular glasses of wine!
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Café diplomacy won’t always work. The person may make you feel silly and deny there is a problem. These are very likely the "Big Ben" personalities who talk about you behind your back. Don't give up on being upfront as an overall tactic though, it is a problem for the person rebuffing you! For dealing with the “Rebuffers” I would just take some advice I got years ago: "minimize your contact." It may not be satisfying, but after you've tried the upfront approach, it is the best method of self-preservation.
What's the time?
Tell it like it is, just like when giving someone the time of day. Be a straightforward "clock."
Fergus Mellon is author of Early Stage Professional: starting off right, a book for professionals in their early career years.
Contact: fergus@whattheferg.com